Welcome to rating jokes!!!!

Mirak · Post by **Mirak** » Mon Oct 16, 2006 2:59 pm

0.25

Guy gets caught speeding...cop is bored so he says to the guy ' I'll ask you a question and if you answer correctly I won't fine you...but if you get it wrong I'll arrest you for driving under the influence"

The guy figures its worth a shot

Cop: "What's got two wheels, an engine and does 0-60 in under 5 seconds?"

Speeder: "Easy....a motorcycle"

Cop: "Sorry .....what type of motorcycle....Suzuki, Yamaha, Harley? You're under arrest"

Speeder:" OK let me ask you a question"
Cop is intrigued and agrees

Speeder:" OK what's between a woman's legs and every man spends their whole life trying to get back there"

Cop: "Easy....that's pussy"

Speeder:"What type.... your mother's, your sister's or your wife's....OK now you can arrest me!"

bluereaper · Post by **bluereaper** » Mon Oct 16, 2006 3:27 pm

haha nice one, i give it a 3

A cop pulls over a lawyer for running through a stop sign.
The cop walks up the nice sports car and asks the lawyer if he knows why he was pulled over.
Lawyer, knowing why he got pulled over thinks to himself that he is a lawyer and should be able to get out of this ticket due to he knows the law and how to get around certian laws.
Lawyer goes: "I know i went through the stop sign, but i slowed down and cautiously went through. So no big worries"
Cop: "There is a reason the sign is a STOP sign, means stop there is a huge difference between slowing down and stoping. And since you don't see the difference between the 2 words, get out of the car and ill show you the difference"
Lawyer gets out of the car and onto the ground.
Cop pulls out his nightstick and starts beating him up with it and asks: "Would you like me to stop, or slow down"

Utafar · Post by **Utafar** » Mon Oct 16, 2006 4:31 pm

thephule77 · Post by **thephule77** » Tue Oct 17, 2006 12:54 am

You guys are supposed to leave a joke when you rate another one comon get it right.

A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. She thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it there.

She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!".

The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."

The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"

slash1890 · Post by **slash1890** » Tue Oct 17, 2006 1:03 am

1

What do you call a girl with one leg?

Eileen.

slash1890 · Post by **slash1890** » Tue Oct 17, 2006 1:04 am

And if you don't like that one, I've got another for you.

What's the worst thing about eating bald pussy?

The diaper.

wolf_man · Post by **wolf_man** » Tue Oct 17, 2006 10:56 pm

.ooo1

Where does Eileen the one leggeed girl work?

IHOP

Utafar · Post by **Utafar** » Wed Oct 18, 2006 12:44 pm

clever but ghetto at the same time 3

thejackofhearts · Post by **thejackofhearts** » Wed Oct 18, 2006 3:06 pm

Utafar wrote:clever but ghetto at the same time 3

STOP LEAVING POSTS WITHOUT A JOKE IN THEM!!!!!

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action.

It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.

In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.

Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements.

When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.

After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.

What is this tool...

The answer: your toothbrush

wcaclimbing · Post by **wcaclimbing** » Wed Oct 18, 2006 4:01 pm

3.5 haha funny

thejackofhearts · Post by **thejackofhearts** » Wed Oct 18, 2006 4:02 pm

wcaclimbing wrote:3.5 haha funny

Same goes to you. Post a joke when you rate one, or don't rate one.

Guy walking down a beach in California. Sees a bottle, picks it up. Rubs it. Out comes a genie.

"I'll give you one wish," says the genie.

"I'd love to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid of boats, afraid of planes. I want to drive there, so build me a bridge to Hawaii."

"Geeez!" said the genie. "I know I said 'anything,' but the amount of concrete and materials for such a bridge, the engineering, well, I'm afraid you've wished for something that's virtually impossible to do, even for me. Please, wish for something else."

"Okay, how about this. I just want to understand women."

"Two lanes, or four lanes.

stooby · Post by **stooby** » Wed Oct 18, 2006 4:32 pm

thejackofhearts wrote:Guy walking down a beach in California. Sees a bottle, picks it up. Rubs it. Out comes a genie.

"I'll give you one wish," says the genie.

"I'd love to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid of boats, afraid of planes. I want to drive there, so build me a bridge to Hawaii."

"Geeez!" said the genie. "I know I said 'anything,' but the amount of concrete and materials for such a bridge, the engineering, well, I'm afraid you've wished for something that's virtually impossible to do, even for me. Please, wish for something else."

"Okay, how about this. I just want to understand women."

"Two lanes, or four lanes.

hehe - 4

sorry if this has been posted already, but 13 pages is too much to read right now!

3 blondes walking through the woods, come across some tracks.

the first is convinced they are badger tracks.

'no, no, these are surely fox tracks' says the 2nd.

'dont be so stupid, they are obviously deer tracks' says the 3rd.

they are still arguing over what animal made the tracks when a train comes along and hits them.

cowshrptrn · Post by **cowshrptrn** » Wed Oct 18, 2006 7:08 pm

sounds familiar, its about a 2 or 3 tho...

Q;If a woman gets hit by a car whose fault is it?

A:the woman, she should have been in the kitchen.

Q:If a woman gets hit by a car whose fault is it?

A:the driver, he shouldnt' have been driving in the kitchen

yeah that one sounds a lot better when you say it out loud...

jay_a2j · Post by **jay_a2j** » Wed Oct 18, 2006 11:12 pm

.5

Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry.For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but Iguess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in.

thephule77 · Post by **thephule77** » Fri Oct 20, 2006 10:09 pm

3.7

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him.

For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the amazing events of that day.

Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help but wonder if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

stooby · Post by **stooby** » Sat Oct 21, 2006 4:44 am

1.5

Two rats were in the sewer.
One turned to the other and said:
"I'm sick of this."
"Sick of what?"
"Sick of shit for breakfast, shit for lunch, shit for dinner and shit for sodding tea - shit all day long. I'm just sick of it."
"Tell you what'll cheer you up," said the other rat. "Tonight we'll go out on the piss."

thephule77 · Post by **thephule77** » Sun Oct 22, 2006 2:48 am

0 I don't get it.

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court.

But custody of the children was a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that, since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

barbie · Post by **barbie** » Wed Oct 25, 2006 6:25 pm

sorry I would say a 1

>A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY
>handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is
>staring.
>
> He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend
> you."
>
> She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and
> have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
> about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that
> I would find offensive."
>
> "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
>
> She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to
> be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
>
> The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
>
> "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
>
> The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
> But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
>
> "My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
>
> "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and
> I'm Jewish."
>
> The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Dave and I'm going to a Halloween
> party."
>
My only halloween one sry lol

haha · Post by **haha** » Wed Oct 25, 2006 7:49 pm

3

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away.......... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ...?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

Utafar · Post by **Utafar** » Wed Oct 25, 2006 8:17 pm

you posted that before

slash1890 · Post by **slash1890** » Wed Oct 25, 2006 9:40 pm

Why do women have vaginas?

So men will talk to them.

gavin_sidhu · Post by **gavin_sidhu** » Thu Oct 26, 2006 6:32 am

2

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
~~
A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

pyro55 · Post by **pyro55** » Thu Oct 26, 2006 7:12 am

the first one .000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001
the second one 3 1/2

stinkycheese · Post by **stinkycheese** » Fri Oct 27, 2006 8:28 pm

pyro55 wrote:the first one .000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001
the second one 3 1/2

After rate must tell new joke

What do you call people from Laos?

lice

vtmarik · Post by **vtmarik** » Wed Nov 01, 2006 1:50 am

Meh, 2.

-----------------------------------

“Hello?”, “Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

Brief Pause. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

“I did it Daddy.”

“And what happened honey?” he asked.

Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,

“Swimming pool? …. Is this 486-5731?”