Atheist Jokes

[KLOBBER]

During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning's executions began with three men: a Rabbi, a Catholic Priest, and an atheist.

The Rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the Rabbi cried out, "I have faith in the one and only true God, the God of Abraham and of Moses, and He shall save me." The executioner then positioned the Rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim's neck. At that point, the Rabbi said, "I told you so."

"It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the Rabbi go.

Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I have faith in Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned the Priest beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward -- thump! creak! ...and again it stopped just short of its mark.

"Another miracle!" sighed the crowd. And the executioner for the second time had to agree and let the condemned go free.

Now it was the atheist's turn. "What final words have you to say?" he was asked. But the atheist didn't reply. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost in thought. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply.

"It's no miracle, you superstitious morons!" the atheist said, pointing, "It's just an easy-to-fix blockage in the gear assembly between the basal platform and the anvil blade -- right there!"

[jonesthecurl]

Last time I heard this one, it was an Irishman who spotted the problem.
That's because English people tend to have "Irish people are stupid" jokes.
I believe that Irish jokes are usually retold in the US as Polish jokes.
And in France as Belgian jokes.
Most cultures have a "these guys are stupid" target.
Kudos for making up a new target.
But it's a very old joke.

[Martin Ronne]

Last time I heard this one, it was an Irishman who spotted the problem.
That's because English people tend to have "Irish people are stupid" jokes.
I believe that Irish jokes are usually retold in the US as Polish jokes.
And in France as Belgian jokes.
Most cultures have a "these guys are stupid" target.
Kudos for making up a new target.
But it's a very old joke.

I thought you limeys had a bunch of Scottish jokes.



And here is my joke:


A Priest and a Rabbi are transporting a couple dozen bottles of wine for various services in the trunk of their car when suddenly they are in a horrible accident that totals the car. Fortunately they are both unscathed, so they get out of the car to check on the wine bottles, which most certainly are all broken. However when they open up the trunk, all the wine bottles are miraculously intact. The Rabbi says, "this is a miracle, an act of God, we ought to drink some." The Priest responds, " your absolutely right." So the Priest uncorks one of the bottles, and takes a swig. He then offers some to the Rabbi, but the Rabbi abstains saying, "I think I'll wait till after the police come."

[targetman377]

this one always cracks me up

[SultanOfSurreal]

this one always cracks me up

hey!

i missed you :3

[b.k. barunt]

A rather loose young woman from a very well to do family winds up pregnant from an anonymous source, and when she goes into the hospital to have her baby, her affluent parents have their own personal doctor brought in and tell him to "fix" the situation. At the same time a priest is brought in for removal of a stomach tumor. When the priest comes out of anesthesia, the doctor is there holding a baby. Says the doctor, "i don't know what to say, but that wasn't a tumor. This is a miracle of modern medicine and i'm sure it must qualify as a religious miracle too, but this is your baby boy. The priest asks the doctor to keep everything quiet, and takes the baby home and raises it as his son.

On the child's 18th birthday, the priest sits him down and tells him "i have to tell you the truth after all these years as it has weighed on my conscience gravely since the day you were born. I'm not really your father - i am in fact your mother - your father is the bishop".


Honibaz

[jonesthecurl]

Last time I heard this one, it was an Irishman who spotted the problem.
That's because English people tend to have "Irish people are stupid" jokes.
I believe that Irish jokes are usually retold in the US as Polish jokes.
And in France as Belgian jokes.
Most cultures have a "these guys are stupid" target.
Kudos for making up a new target.
But it's a very old joke.

I thought you limeys had a bunch of Scottish jokes.

Scottish jokes from English people tend to be about the Scots being misers, rather than dumb.

[jonesthecurl]

So a gun-loving creationist comes home to find his wife in bed with an atheist.
He grabs a gun from the drawer and points it at his own head.
The atheist starts laughing.
"I don't know why you're laughing," says the creationist, "You're next!"

[SultanOfSurreal]

So a gun-loving creationist comes home to find his wife in bed with an atheist.
He grabs a gun from the drawer and points it at his own head.
The atheist starts laughing.
"I don't know why you're laughing," says the creationist, "You're next!"

how did the atheists invade creationismvania

they marched in backwards and said that they were leaving WAKKA WAKKA

[KLOBBER]

A Priest and an atheist go skydiving together. At 20,000 feet, they pull their ripcords, and both chutes malfunction. Understanding that certain death is approaching, the Priest immediately offers confession and absolution to the atheist.

"No way," says the atheist, "We've got 20,000 feet to go, and according to my calculations, that means that there's an 87.887% chance that my chute will open in time."

"Okay, have it your way," says the Priest.

At 10,000 feet, the Priest says, "How about now? It's really easy, and all of your sins will be forgiven."

"Are you kidding? It's still 10,000 feet, and there's a 66.6667% chance that the chute may work at any moment -- I refuse!"

"Okay, have it your way," says the Priest.

At 5,000 feet, the Priest says, "Confession and absolution can't hurt. Please, just go through the motions at least; God loves you, and I'm very worried about you."

Hearing the word love really angers the atheist, who says, "Look, man -- I told you no. You should go study Newtonian physics and wind velocity and get laughed out of math class or whatever. Besides, the chute could easily open at any time, we have 5,000 feet to go, and the chances are still pretty high. I'm trying to calculate them right now, so shut up!"

"But you might die!"

"I said SHUT UP, you STUPID CREATIONIST!"

"Okay, have it your way," says the Priest.

When they're just 6 feet off the ground, the priest turns to the atheist and says, "Look, your chute is obviously not going to work, and you are about to die. Please, at least just pray with me real quick."

The atheist turns to the Priest, sneering, "You superstitious moron -- everybody knows you can't die from a six-foot fall!"

[jonesthecurl]

Did he speak very quickly?

[xelabale]

Dunno, I was ignoring him.

[jonesthecurl]

here's the best bit of the KLOBBER post you missed.

"I said SHUT UP, you STUPIT!"

[targetman377]

this one always cracks me up

hey!

i missed you :3

well i miss you how you been if you ever want to find me look no further then the longest thread thats where i spend most my time these days

[targetman377]

A Priest and an atheist go skydiving together. At 20,000 feet, they pull their ripcords, and both chutes malfunction. Understanding that certain death is approaching, the Priest immediately offers confession and absolution to the atheist.

"No way," says the atheist, "We've got 20,000 feet to go, and according to my calculations, that means that there's an 87.887% chance that my chute will open in time."

"Okay, have it your way," says the Priest.

At 10,000 feet, the Priest says, "How about now? It's really easy, and all of your sins will be forgiven."

"Are you kidding? It's still 10,000 feet, and there's a 66.6667% chance that the chute may work at any moment -- I refuse!"

"Okay, have it your way," says the Priest.

At 5,000 feet, the Priest says, "Confession and absolution can't hurt. Please, just go through the motions at least; God loves you, and I'm very worried about you."

Hearing the word love really angers the atheist, who says, "Look, man -- I told you no. You should go study Newtonian physics and wind velocity and get laughed out of math class or whatever. Besides, the chute could easily open at any time, we have 5,000 feet to go, and the chances are still pretty high. I'm trying to calculate them right now, so shut up!"

"But you might die!"

"I said SHUT UP, you STUPID CREATIONIST!"

"Okay, have it your way," says the Priest.

When they're just 6 feet off the ground, the priest turns to the atheist and says, "Look, your chute is obviously not going to work, and you are about to die. Please, at least just pray with me real quick."

The atheist turns to the Priest, sneering, "You superstitious moron -- everybody knows you can't die from a six-foot fall!"

i give this joke 5 stars

[Neoteny]

So... the moral of the story is that the joke teller doesn't understand physics?

[Frigidus]

So... the moral of the story is that the joke teller doesn't understand physics?

No, I think it's that time freezes during a fall whenever you want to have a chat with the guy next to you. Also,

[xelabale]

It's that the atheist is a moron.

And that atheist or Believer, they're both gonna die in less than 1 second, there's no difference between them.

And that chatting on the way down doesn't help.

[Timminz]

It's a new style of comedy, where the teller is the punchline.

[Neoteny]

So... the moral of the story is that the joke teller doesn't understand physics?

No, I think it's that time freezes during a fall whenever you want to have a chat with the guy next to you. Also,

I'm not trollin'.

It's a new style of comedy, where the teller is the punchline.

Indeed.

[Hsur]

Atheism is a non-prophet organization..........

Evolution is God's way of issuing updates..............

Can an Atheist get insurance against acts of God..................

An atheist funeral: Here lies an atheist, all dressed up and nowhere to go.........

What does an atheist say when they orgasm? "Darwin! Oh, Darwin!

Do you know what you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist?
Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason!

An atheist is a person with no invisible means of support...........

[Neoteny]

[xelabale]

How many atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?

I have no punchline, please provide your own...

[Neoteny]

Two. One to demonstrate, and one to explain to the theists that electricity isn't the work of Satan.

[StiffMittens]

A priest, a rabbi, a mullah, an atheist, and KLOBBER are in a plane flying over the Atlantic journeying from New York to London. About halfway across a fuel line starts leaking and the pilot announces that at their current load level, they don't have enough fuel to make it across the ocean. KLOBBER immediately shoots the atheist and tosses him out of the plane along with all his custom built tools for repairing aircraft fuel lines during flight, as well as several copies of the atheists' latest book entitled "Keeping an Aircraft Airborne Under ANY Circumstances" by I.M.N.Atheist, but the plane is still too heavy. So KLOBBER shoots the rabbi (because at least the mullah concedes that Jesus was a holy man that performed miracles - if not the son of God) and tosses the rabbi out of the plane along with a stack of parachutes that the rabbi had been sitting upon, but the plane is still too heavy. Well by then, KLOBBER has no choice but to shoot the mullah and toss him out of the plane along with several drums of airplane fuel that he assumed were part of an improved explosive device that the mullah was planning on detonating in London, but still the plane is straining under it's load. At this point the priest stood up and said "I know what you plan to do next, KLOBBER, but it's not necessary. I'll gladly sacrifice myself for you, but please don't throw my Bible out of the plane." KLOBBER nods dumbly and the priest throws himself from the plane leaving behind his enormous Bible (12 ft. tall X 9 ft. wide X 6 ft. thick) which is hand carved out of solid granite and decorated with tungsten and lead ornaments, but the plan is still too heavy. So KLOBBER makes his way to the cockpit and shoots the pilot, but before he can toss the pilot out, the plane crashes into the ocean. As KLOBBER sinks to the bottom of the sea under the weight of an 80 ton granite Bible, he thinks to himself: "If only everybody had listened to me, none of this would have happened."