Secrets thread

[jefjef]

I am hardly ever - sometimes - almost never ever always serious. Maybe.

[Falkomagno]

I have to read while taking a shit.

Wow. Me too. The weird thing is that when I remember some part of a book, the mental image it's instantaneously transported to a toilet.

Other secret, I have a problem with the "left" and "right". I always have to pretend to write in the air to figure it out, "Oh, this is the right."

[Army of GOD]

Sir, I have a REALLY specific diet. I hate poultry, only really like salad and carrots vegetable-wise, and even some other meats such as roast beef and some kinds of pork are just disgusting. Sweets, fruit or breads though? I can eat POUNDS of that s***. Sir.

[Army of GOD]

Sir, I also would like to show what soccer did to me sir (this was in 2007).

And yes, I'm the guy who's pitching.

[Juan_Bottom]

Some people here know this, most do not.

I am infamous as, "the Midnight Mooner." The highlight of which, was mooning a sheriff point-blank.

[Army of GOD]

Sir, when I was younger, I would shoot baskets in my drive way, and pretend that a worldwide double elimination tournament existed, and I would "play" out the games. I'd take 4 countries from each "area" (North America, South America, West Europe, East Europe, West Asia, East Asia, Africa and Oceania) and take famous people from that country and pretend like they were players on that team. My personal favorite line-up was Russia:

Stalin and point guard, Nicholas II at shooting guard, Trotsky at small forward, Ivan the Terrible at power forward and Lenin at center.

Sir.

[Symmetry]

When I was younger, I would shoot baskets in my drive way, and pretend that a worldwide double elimination tournament existed, and I would "play" out the games. I'd take 4 countries from each "area" (North America, South America, West Europe, East Europe, West Asia, East Asia, Africa and Oceania) and take famous people from that country and pretend like they were players on that team. My personal favorite line-up was Russia:

Stalin and point guard, Nicholas II at shooting guard, Trotsky at small forward, Ivan the Terrible at power forward and Lenin at center.

This is awesome, and may well win the thread.

[Skittles!]

I sleep better when I'm naked.

[Baron Von PWN]

Sir, when I was younger, I would shoot baskets in my drive way, and pretend that a worldwide double elimination tournament existed, and I would "play" out the games. I'd take 4 countries from each "area" (North America, South America, West Europe, East Europe, West Asia, East Asia, Africa and Oceania) and take famous people from that country and pretend like they were players on that team. My personal favorite line-up was Russia:

Stalin and point guard, Nicholas II at shooting guard, Trotsky at small forward, Ivan the Terrible at power forward and Lenin at center.

Sir.

A better team of misfits could not be found. Though Nick II seems an odd choice he wasn't all that badass compared to the others. Also Stalin would be a terrible basketball player he had a crippled elbow.

[Army of GOD]

Sir, when I was younger, I would shoot baskets in my drive way, and pretend that a worldwide double elimination tournament existed, and I would "play" out the games. I'd take 4 countries from each "area" (North America, South America, West Europe, East Europe, West Asia, East Asia, Africa and Oceania) and take famous people from that country and pretend like they were players on that team. My personal favorite line-up was Russia:

Stalin and point guard, Nicholas II at shooting guard, Trotsky at small forward, Ivan the Terrible at power forward and Lenin at center.

Sir.

A better team of misfits could not be found. Though Nick II seems an odd choice he wasn't all that badass compared to the others. Also Stalin would be a terrible basketball player he had a crippled elbow.

Sir, you obviously are unaware of the French team:

Louis XIV
Louis XVI
Robespierre
Napoleon
Joan of Arc

Sir.

[john9blue]

Wasn't Napoleon like 5 feet tall? He'd get wrecked on the basketball court unless he had some mad hops.

[army of nobunaga]

If you kill a woman all you have to say is "I killed a hooker" and everyone kind of understands.


I mean, most of them kind of deserve it.

[army of nobunaga]

For the past month or so, these 3 guys have been trying to recruit me into joining their "new project that can make me rich", which I recently found out was actually a giant cult-like corporation called Amway Global. They've been ridiculously secretive and way too seedy about the whole thing. They wanted me to pay $150 to become a distributor. Thank God the Internet exists so people don't build up false hopes and get scammed by this company. I guess sometimes being a negative skeptic can come in handy...

Amway has been around for years. If you get in at the ground level it could be good but need good people under you, but most likely you are the hard working guy at the bottom making money for others. Stay away.

Yeah actually forbes magazine had an article not too long ago- these direct sales "schemes" "companys" whatever you want to call them, are projected to generate some major bank in the next ten years. something in the tune of 20 bill, Ill try to find the article online.

look at companys like "nikkon" that actually sale cool shit, and you get a cut off of all the stuff your buddys sale to their families. I had a friend that made (probably) still makes 1200 a month from nikkon from doing NOTHING, jsut from the ppl under him. He use to show the the checks. bastard.

[jonesthecurl]

For the past month or so, these 3 guys have been trying to recruit me into joining their "new project that can make me rich", which I recently found out was actually a giant cult-like corporation called Amway Global. They've been ridiculously secretive and way too seedy about the whole thing. They wanted me to pay $150 to become a distributor. Thank God the Internet exists so people don't build up false hopes and get scammed by this company. I guess sometimes being a negative skeptic can come in handy...

Amway has been around for years. If you get in at the ground level it could be good but need good people under you, but most likely you are the hard working guy at the bottom making money for others. Stay away.

Yeah actually forbes magazine had an article not too long ago- these direct sales "schemes" "companys" whatever you want to call them, are projected to generate some major bank in the next ten years. something in the tune of 20 bill, Ill try to find the article online.

look at companys like "nikkon" that actually sale cool shit, and you get a cut off of all the stuff your buddys sale to their families. I had a friend that made (probably) still makes 1200 a month from nikkon from doing NOTHING, jsut from the ppl under him. He use to show the the checks. bastard.

Amway has been going since at least 1980(I encountered it then). It's classic pyramid selling - you make nothing by selling the crap yourself - you have to get other people to sell it for you, then you get a commision from all their sales.
If it's still going the guys at the top must have a zillion levels below 'em and be v rich.

[Juan_Bottom]

A comprehensive explanation of why I mooned a cop, point blank.

So I was maybe 14, and I snuck out one summer night.
I met my co-dependents Dave and Aaron at the Post Office where we would hang out after hours. Now this is a small town, 80 some people, and only one street. You gotta make your own fun. I had always been known as the crazy one of the group. I remember this night so well.
So there we are, three amigos, sitting at the Post Office at 2 AM on a hot summer night. Throwing rocks and junk at the speed limit sign... We saw one headlight coming through town from a car that only had one good one, and Aaron full-on mooned it. Neither David nor I expected it at all. We kinda just looked at each other. Then we heard the car's horn start blowing as it sped up and sped off. Now we were all laughing. Whoever it was was going about 60 out of town.
Soon another car appeared, and David, not to be outdone, did a jumping moon of some kind. Aaron and I were rolling. A half hour or more later, we were all sitting down. A car came into town which David and Aaron could see and I could not for a tree blocking my view. They both started laughing and said "Your turn JB!" I walked right up into the street without thinking and mooned that car hardcore.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRKKKK" the tires screamed as the car came to an abrupt halt barely 4 feet from me. I looked between my legs and all I saw was a big gold sheriffs star on the door. I looked back at where my friends were (I was still bent over) and they were gone... nowhere in sight..... So fast... I took off running while trying to hold my pants up. I hid in the town park in a ditch for a long time... the grass was cold and dewy. Finally I decided that the cop was gone. After all I didn't see him chase me on foot.... walking home in stealth mode I made my way behind the township building... I walked right into where the police officer actually was. He was outside his car, talking on his CB and leaning on his open driver-side door. I was on the passenger side. I took a deep breath and took off running again. This time, I heard his door slam behind me, and he chased me in his car. I ran behind the fire station, and as he drove past, I jumped a fence and crawled into a corn field. I crawled like that all the way home and back into my bed. Muddy... I remember how muddy I was...
the police officer continued searching town for about another hour, and then left. By the following weekend EVERYONE was talking about it. There was a sign at the post office. That sheriff was searching for me in earnest, but luckily no one ever rat-ed us out.
The funny thing was, my friends thought I did it on purpose. It cemented my reputation as a crazy motherfucker. Totally worth it. To this day only a handful of people know that I am/was "the infamous Midnight Mooner." And even less know that it was an accident.

[jay_a2j]

If you kill a woman all you have to say is "I killed a hooker" and everyone kind of understands.


I mean, most of them kind of deserve it.

OK, Gary Ridgway...nice to meet you.

[Snorri1234]

I pee in the shower sometimes.

[Timminz]

I'm strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

[jay_a2j]

I pee in the shower sometimes.

Sometimes? is that all? Urine kills the bacteria that causes athlete's foot.

[Skittles!]

I had a good secret to tell but I forgot about it. Oh well.

I pee in the shower sometimes.

Sometimes? is that all? Urine kills the bacteria that causes athlete's foot.

Peeing in the shower is a-okay in my books.. But peeing on your feet is a different matter.

[Army of GOD]

Many times when I'm in a public restroom, I'll make weird noises just to freak out the other people.

[Juan_Bottom]

Once, ONLY ONE TIME, I got teary eyed at the end of a sad film. My GF (at the time) was crying a bit and asked me if I was crying too.
I said "no."
So she open her cell and stuck the light in my face.
She asked "aww was the movie too sad for you?"
I said "No babe, I just really hate to see you crying."
Girls love compliments.

[jay_a2j]

Many times when I'm in a public restroom, I'll make weird noises just to freak out the other people.

Was that you in Wal-Mart the other day????! I swear this guy sounded like he was making love to the Urinal. I was having a sit down where I will reveal another secret....

Spoiler

When I'm at a public restroom in the process of a #2 and someone walks into the restroom....ALL BODILY FUNCTIONS CEASE until the room is empty again.

[john9blue]

Spoiler

When I'm at a public restroom in the process of a #2 and someone walks into the restroom....ALL BODILY FUNCTIONS CEASE until the room is empty again.

So basically jay has the power to stop his heart and brain at will, and live several minutes without them, without taking a shit. Amazing!

[thegreekdog]

In college, we had sinks in our dorm rooms and we had bathrooms down the hall. I regularly pissed in my sink when my roommate wasn't around and when I was drunk.