DKs Intensities in Ten Cities! [Winner=TX AG 90]

[Mekii]

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan. What team, do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan." the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little French Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet."

[Dukasaur]

I never even thought of a Google site for these jokes. You say "everybody" drew upon that source. Are you saying my joke about a dehydrated French-Canadian named Pierre is there? It's one I remember from high school, 50 years ago. I'd be most surprised if it were there.

Sorry Brewsie.... I guess when I said "everybody" I was exaggerating.

Mea Culpa.

Many people.

[soldierboy]

reserve please

[DoomYoshi]

So we have had the same joke like 3 times now? lol, i guess the canadians have an unfair advantage here, eh?

[Dukasaur]

So we have had the same joke like 3 times now? lol, i guess the canadians have an unfair advantage here, eh?

It's funny that the joke that shows up the most often involves the Maple Laughs...

Too bad our Toronto map isn't ready yet.

[Dukasaur]

reserve please

added

[GregDavidson]

Although not the funniest, I can quite promise you that my anecdote about the elder group of gay men going to Montreal to hob-nob with the dancers and how it used to be tour buses to Indian Casinos that were the big deal is all, 100% original.....you willl NOT find it on Google....that, I can promise you! GregDavidson

[Dukasaur]

Will you accept reserves from the eliminated pool?

I've been thinking about your idea more and more, and it's actually a pretty decent idea. Why shouldn't someone who has invested time in the tournament be given a second chance if someone above them drops out? I think I'm going to stop accepting reserves now. The two that we have now will be used if possible (and with stokiepaul still not back it's very likely that Mekii at least will get his chance) but after that any vacant spaces that occur will be offered to the pool of eliminated players.

Anyone disagree?

[xman5151]

Yes a lot of these have been googled, which I tried too lol. This is completely original, I'm no joke writer as I'm sure you'll be able to tell

Why are the Montreal Canadiens called the habs?
They habn't got a clue how to play hockey.

[perchorin]

How many Montreal Canadiens does it take to change a flat tire?
One, unless it's a blow out then they all come!

[General Brewsie]

Will you accept reserves from the eliminated pool?

I've been thinking about your idea more and more, and it's actually a pretty decent idea. Why shouldn't someone who has invested time in the tournament be given a second chance if someone above them drops out? I think I'm going to stop accepting reserves now. The two that we have now will be used if possible (and with stokiepaul still not back it's very likely that Mekii at least will get his chance) but after that any vacant spaces that occur will be offered to the pool of eliminated players.

Anyone disagree?

It's your tournament, so it's your call, but since you asked for feedback I'll say using eliminated players depends on the reason for their elimination. If the reason no longer applies and didn't involve any unethical or prohibited practice on their part it seems only right that they be admitted.

[kiwi3]

This is my contribution. Sorry not an original either but thoughtbitbwas funny.

Two guys from Montreal Die and go to Hell. While in Hell Satan puts them in the hottest possible room he can find. He goes in to check up on them and sees them cheering. Satan, perplexed, asked "what do you have to cheer about?" They say "We’re from Montreal, it’s freezing cold, you have to take advantage of warm weather.
Satan realizes that these guys are cheering because they’ve been cold all their lives. So he turns Hells furnace off, and the place is the coldest place in the universe. He walks in and sees the two cheering again! Satan tells them "I just don’t get it.. it’s boiling hot you’re happy, it’s freezing cold, you’re happy.. you’re in Hell! What do you have to cheer about?"
One of them looks at him and says "Hells just frozen over, so that means the Habs must have won the cup!"

[Dukasaur]

Yes a lot of these have been googled, which I tried too lol. This is completely original, I'm no joke writer as I'm sure you'll be able to tell

Why are the Montreal Canadiens called the habs?
They habn't got a clue how to play hockey.

Actually, I like it...

(I probably shouldn't be commenting on the jokes I like, but for those who are concerned: Remember that I am not one of the judges, and the judges are all people who have been around CC a lot longer than I have and probably don't give a rat's ass for my opinion.)

[ElricTheGreat]

Okay ... funny funny ... the habs jokes ...

I think someone read a bunch of Boston Bruins or Toronto Maple Laughs Jokes and substituted the team ... lol.

Someone should check out what is hanging from the roof of the building that is home to the Greatest Hockey Franchise ANYWHERE .. they might even recognize some of the names on those banners .. even if you are too young to remember their Stanley Cup winning streaks .. I'm sure your dad must have mentioned some of them ... even if he was a fan of one of the other teams .. you would have heard thier names in his Nightmares and while he was cursing at the TV .. opps you might have only had radio!! loll

But now that everyone is on the hockey gig ... I am sure there must be something floating around regarding a Boston - Habs match or something along those lines .....

[ElricTheGreat]

Well being born and raised in and around Montreal ... I don't get to hear many Montreal Jokes of any worth .. because we are all telling Torontonian and Newfie (citizens or the great province of Newfoundland) jokes.

But going back to my youth I remember through the '50s and '60s you were almost always guarenteed a Stanley Cup Parade in either Toronto or Montreal ... in the late '60s a young man was drafted by an american team from Boston. This young man I am sure was THE real life version of Superman .. anyone guess his name yet ???

This young man changed the way Hockey .. our Canadian National Pastime was played and it has never been the same since. He joined the Boston Bruins at a time that the team was turning itself into a powerhouse .. with names like Bucyk, Cashman, Esposito, Cheevers ... the list goes on ...

By the season of '69 Boston was ready to dominate ... in the 69-70 season they manhandled everyone and won the cup ... they should have done it again the next year as well .. but Montreal brought in a rookie goaltender, by the name of Kenny Dryden, who would stump them on the way to another Canadiens victory. The following year Boston would again rule supreme.

But it was in their 1st cup win on May 10, 1970, that a superhuman by the name of Bobby Orr literally flew through the air just like Superman while scoring the cup winning goal .... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ZR2MGFDTYE

That IS A MEMORY ... and today's teams (Montreal & Boston especially) are still struggling to live up to the heroes of our past.

These teams exemplified the heart and soul of two cities going back and forth for many years ... too bad it is becoming something much less honorable ... but for the most part they are still some of the most interesting and hard fought games during the regular season or the playoffs

I want to also wish our neighbours to the south good luck heading into the playoffs .. and of course we in Montreal would not be ourselves if we did not help our Boston counterparts start their summer a little early again this year by giving them an early round help out the door !!! loll

Good luck Boston .. may you find a way in the final few games to avoid a 1st round match up with the Canadiens ... as the weather outside is not yet good enough for you to break out the golf clubs !!!

[ElricTheGreat]

Just in case you don't like my anecdote or it does not qualify ... this is what might happen if a French Guy from Montreal or Quebec in general with their very big french accents were to go on a vacation in Florida and find something special on the beach ....

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET a French Canadian and 2 BLOND/Redneck GENIES?

A French speaking Montrealer IS WALKING ALONG A BEACH WHEN HE COMES ACROSS A LAMP PARTIALLY BURIED IN THE SAND. HE PICKS UP THE LAMP AND GIVES IT A RUB.

TWO BLOND GENIES APPEAR, AND THEY TELL HIM HE HAS BEEN GRANTED THREE WISHES.

THE GUY MAKES HIS THREE WISHES AND THE BLOND GENIES DISAPPEAR.

THE NEXT THING THE GUY KNOWS, HE'S IN A BEDROOM, IN A GOLF-COURSE MANSION, SURROUNDED BY 50 BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.

AFTER HE MAKES LOVE TO ALL OF THEM, HE BEGINS TO EXPLORE THIS FABULOUS HOUSE.

SUDDENLY HE FEELS SOMETHING SOFT UNDER HIS FEET, HE LOOKS DOWN AND THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN $100 BILLS.

THEN, THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

HE ANSWERS IT AND STANDING THERE ARE TWO PERSONS DRESSED IN KU KLUX KLAN OUTFITS. THEY DRAG HIM OUTSIDE TO THE NEAREST TREE, THROW A ROPE OVER A LIMB AND HANG HIM BY THE NECK UNTIL HE'S DEAD.


AS THE KLANSMEN ARE WALKING AWAY, THEY REMOVE THEIR HOODS. IT'S THE TWO BLOND GENIES.

ONE BLONDE GENIE SAYS TO THE OTHER ONE, 'I CAN UNDERSTAND THE FIRST WISH HAVING ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN A BIG MANSION TO MAKE LOVE TO.

I CAN ALSO UNDERSTAND HIM WANTING TO BE A MILLIONAIRE.

BUT WHY HE WANTED TO BE HUNG LIKE A BLACK GUY IS BEYOND ME.'

[Dukasaur]

Stokiepaul has missed his second invite. Mekii is activated as a reserve.

[Dukasaur]

This is my contribution. Sorry not an original either but thoughtbitbwas funny.

Two guys from Montreal Die and go to Hell. While in Hell Satan puts them in the hottest possible room he can find. He goes in to check up on them and sees them cheering. Satan, perplexed, asked "what do you have to cheer about?" They say "We’re from Montreal, it’s freezing cold, you have to take advantage of warm weather.
Satan realizes that these guys are cheering because they’ve been cold all their lives. So he turns Hells furnace off, and the place is the coldest place in the universe. He walks in and sees the two cheering again! Satan tells them "I just don’t get it.. it’s boiling hot you’re happy, it’s freezing cold, you’re happy.. you’re in Hell! What do you have to cheer about?"
One of them looks at him and says "Hells just frozen over, so that means the Habs must have won the cup!"

I used that one in a Toastmasters speech a few years back. Of course, my version involved the Maple Laughs....

Holy Mackinaw! The Leafs have won the Cup!

[Dukasaur]

But going back to my youth I remember through the '50s and '60s you were almost always guarenteed a Stanley Cup Parade in either Toronto or Montreal ... in the late '60s a young man was drafted by an american team from Boston. This young man I am sure was THE real life version of Superman .. anyone guess his name yet ???

This young man changed the way Hockey .. our Canadian National Pastime was played and it has never been the same since. He joined the Boston Bruins at a time that the team was turning itself into a powerhouse .. with names like Bucyk, Cashman, Esposito, Cheevers ... the list goes on ...

By the season of '69 Boston was ready to dominate ... in the 69-70 season they manhandled everyone and won the cup ... they should have done it again the next year as well .. but Montreal brought in a rookie goaltender, by the name of Kenny Dryden, who would stump them on the way to another Canadiens victory. The following year Boston would again rule supreme.

But it was in their 1st cup win on May 10, 1970, that a superhuman by the name of Bobby Orr literally flew through the air just like Superman while scoring the cup winning goal .... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ZR2MGFDTYE

That IS A MEMORY ... and today's teams (Montreal & Boston especially) are still struggling to live up to the heroes of our past.

Bobby Orr, objectively speaking, was something pretty special, but for me he was always a nightmare. In those days I was just becoming aware of sports. My parents didn't approve of sports -- saw them as just another opiate through which the powers-that-be keep the masses ignorant -- and so until I was old enough to start wandering around without parental supervision I knew nothing about them.

And I reached that phase in my life right around Bobby Orr's heyday, and it kept me constantly in trouble. Whenever I would meet any kids, the first question they would always ask was, "Who you goin' for, Boston or Montreal?" Of course, my earliest answers were along the lines of, "WTF is a Boston? WTF is a Montreal?" but I soon learned those were unacceptable. People didn't tolerate fence-sitting; you had to take sides.

So I would try to guess which side I was supposed to be on, but I always got it wrong. If I said I was going for Boston, it turned out I was amongst Habs fans, and if I said I was going for Montreal, it turned out the kids I'd just met were rabid Bruins-boosters.

Questions regarding Bobby Orr personally were even more dangerous. When I first expressed a lack of interest in the subject, a kid explained to me, "Bobby Orr is the greatest that ever lived, or will live!"

At my next visit to someone's house, still having no knowledge of the subject but forced to express some, I said "Bobby Orr is the greatest that ever lived, or will live!" Of course that turned out to be a Habs fan, who punched me in the nose and screamed, "BOBBY ORR IS A PAMPERED FUCKING SHOW-OFF!!!!!"

So, piece by piece, I evolved my own opinion. "I don't care who wins the goddamn Cup, as long as it's not Boston or Montreal!" And that has been my answer ever since.

[Dukasaur]

Mekii has accepted his invites and all games have now begun.

[DoomYoshi]

What is the deadline on the submissions again? We seem to have quieted down here now, and it doesn't seem like we have everybody's jokes in yet.

[Dukasaur]

What is the deadline on the submissions again? We seem to have quieted down here now, and it doesn't seem like we have everybody's jokes in yet.

Deadline is theoretically at 2300 tonight, or 11 pm Eastern Daylight Time for the old-fashioned, or I believe 0400 Wednesday morning Greenwich Mean Time, supper time Tuesday for our friends in California, and lunchtime Wednesday for our friends in Hong Kong and Singapore. A lot of people haven't posted, it's true, but it's possible that some of them just don't want to. I suspect the judges will be lenient with the time stamp for anyone who does post.

If anyone has a friend in the tournament and you haven't seen them post, might want to give them a nudge. I won't be sending any reminders (any more this phase, that is); I think one reminder per round is enough, and I don't want people to start thinking of me as a spammer.

[Faro]

And here is mine (not really from Montreal but ...)

What do they call Canadien Bacon in Montreal?

Bacon

[Didacus]

So, a Montreal coach and a Boston coach walk into a bathroom and both start using the urinals the Boston coach finishes first and starts washing his hands. As he starts to leave he notices the Montreal coach finish, button up and starting to leave without washing his hands.

The Boston coach gives he Montreal coach a snooty look and says 'WE Boston coaches wash our hands after going to the washroom, we're civilized."

The Montreal Coach replies 'WE Montreal coaches dont pee all over our hands.'

Is it too late to make mine official?

[kiwi3]

While I was looking for something funny to admit, I came across something that I thought was humorous but couldn't figure out how to put it in as a joke (not very creative). Montreal came up with a political party that is a spoof. It is the rhino party. It's platform states that it will not keep any of it's campaign promises. This party is supposedly a legal and recognized political party. Sounds like it's the only honest political grow in the world. I imagine our Canadian players might be able to add more to this than what little I know.