congratulations to someone new to the forums for asking me to explain this to them!! i almost died from laughter when all the memories of this era came flooding back... congrats new guy, you made my weekend!!!-the black jesus
Fruitcake wrote:Well well, what a week this has been!!!
There can only be one topic really.
In honour of this, and in my usual style, I am writing a play for you dear reader.
So, with respect to CC Productions and for your delectation here is the first act, scene 1 of:
A funny thing happened to me on the way to the Forum
I walked into the Forum, having been away looking after my Estates to the north, all seemed as usual, the slaves ran hither and thither doing errands for their Masters, Soldiers stood, slightly, to attention at the four corners, Philosophers and others plied their trade….
For days the Forum had been full of talk of foes. Foes this and foes that, it seemed everyone wanted to talk about foes and little else. Were there foes within the Empire or without? Who was a foe to whom?
Then, in the bright summer sun, Wicked walked to the steps of the Forum. Mutterings, like a low rumbling thunder ran thru the throng waiting to hear her words. Somehow she looked different today.
Placing some fingertips to her temples, Wicked looked around her….
“Friends, Conkies, Players! I have been a bad girl!” She shouted to everyone.
“So what’s news” said a voice from the back of the fast assembling crowd.
“Please Friends, hear me out” She continued….
“I have been ill”
“So what’s news” said a voice from the back, once more.
“No, really, I have been ill” She continued loudly.
“For some time now, I have been suffering from a disease of the brain”
“So what’s news for crying out loud!” shouted the voice from the back
Ignoring the heckler, Wicked continued. “I know at times, I have been bad.” And before any more heckling could take place she went on…” My dear Community, I recently told the Senate of my illness. Now I must tell you, my friends…My physician has been using the latest leech treatment to help me as my condition was most serious, this condition caused me to look upon you in an unfavourable light at times, when I shouldn’t have”
“Oh God,” someone groaned….”This is news????”
Others hushed the interloper, then there was silence in the crowd as the mutterings stopped briefly. People looked at each other…this was something they had never seen or heard before.
“I know, I hurt some of you, I know I have caused some of you pain and suffering, and I humbly stand here before you, with my overdosing of limejuice firmly under control.”
A whisper ran round the crowd like a fast moving sirocco, the words Lime, Orange and Lemon were heard.
Heads nodded sagely…overdosing on limes was indeed a serious thing indeed in Rome these days. People wondered how this had happened, until a Major from the 15th Centurion Guard stepped forward, turning to the mighty and growing throng he shouted “Well at least you’re ok fair Wick”
Suddenly all talk of foes stopped. People started shouting their support. Wicked stood there, her cheeks glistening in the bright summer Sun. She could not believe it, so many…so much lurve.
Officers, NCOs, even proletariats from the cooking division all stepped up, forming a circle of lurve round Wicked. Among them, surreptitious unfurling of the banners “Free the Norseman” took place….
Hovering outside the circle, some asked questions, “how was she able to stand in the midday Sun with an overdose of Limes?” they enquired…but they were ignored by the throng.
Some of the proles who wanted to kiss Wicked's glistening cheeks asked if they could, Wicked demurred.
Physicians from all parts of Rome offered advice, all the time more added to the throng and circle around her. Some asked if other parts of the Empire suffered with too large a lime harvest, would others suffer the same terrible symptoms…it was almost too much to bear.
With an ironic juxtaposition the final well wishers were a General and a poor lowly Private, standing side by side (although it has to be said the General did inch himself away, wrinkling his nose a little) both seeing this outpouring of lurve and wanting to feel it, be it, live it.
With a smile that melted the hearts of even the most ardent doubters within the throng, wicked twirled round and with a complete lack of haughtiness walked slowly back into the Senate House surrounded by Officers of the Forum….some more unforgiving muttered still, but nothing was going to stop the true lurve affecting all.
The throng mooched about, picnics were brought by women as Soldiers sat playing dice on the ground. All seemed well with the world…..
….With a mighty scream, Wicked came stumbling out of the Senate house. Small gentle rivers of bright red blood ran from her pierced side and slowly sank into the dust.
“I am done for” She whimpered, “I am mortally wounded”
The assembled mob looked on aghast…they could not believe it. Those cheeks, glistening in the sun only minutes before now looked ashen and sunken as the Pretorian Guard ushered her further from the door to the Senate.
Someone in the crowd roared.”Why?!!!”
….to be continued